She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
