I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just puked most of my soul out..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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