i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
