Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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