Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
