New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
