all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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