OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
