you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Text me some of your sweat
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