Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Randomize
