I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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