not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
did i just pee glitter
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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