Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
