alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
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If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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