Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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