she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
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He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
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I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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