The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
