i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
