you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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