She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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