One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
