Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize