I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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