just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
