I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
