it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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