Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
