ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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