dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
