My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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