GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
