dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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