So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
