you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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