Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
