She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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