Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
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even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
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Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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