Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
