I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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