I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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