My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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