I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
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Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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