i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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