he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
