i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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