I want to have your abortion
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
