So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
