So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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