got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
