someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
