she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
