I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
