Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
