Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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