I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
