You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
