if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
